(Un)Controlled Burning: Parental Fatigue
Whatever the case, I am exhausted, and I am tired of being tired.
Micro Rage
Giant slits in maxi dresses and skirts. Why is this a thing? If I am purchasing a maxi dress or skirt, it is because I want the airflow of a dress with the coverage of pants. A slit just leaves me with way too much airflow. I ordered two dresses from ThredUp, only to learn upon their arrival they had slits. Why?!
Macro Rage
Claire: "I have 3 children. I've been tired since 2005." (Go Bullfrogs, Modern Family S3)
Last night I crawled into bed just before 8pm. It was something that seems to happen every few months, when my body finds a small window where the fatigue takes over before my brain goes into overdrive with all the things I should do between my kids' bedtime and mine. I woke up equally fatigued. Maybe it is the fact that our almost five-year-old still crawls into bed and spends the night vacillating between aggressively kicking and cuddling me. Maybe it is almost three years into a pandemic when I have yet to find prolonged respite from the chronic low-grade fear of illness striking down our household. Maybe it is the amorphous beginning of perimenopause. Maybe it is, as Zena Comics brilliantly illustrated, my brain being beaten down by the 24/7 news cycle, social media and capitalism.
Whatever the case, I am exhausted, and I am tired of being tired.
At breakfast the other morning, my friend shared her exhaustion, and I easily held space for it. I could see all of the things she was holding. Of course she was exhausted. I rarely (never?) give myself the same grace. I think of all of the things I am not having to navigate, all of the extraneous baggage I have unloaded, and yet my reservoirs remain depleted. I think the pandemic broke me.
I had just inched back from secondary infertility and prenatal anxiety and a traumatic birth and postnatal anxiety when the pandemic started. I had just started to feel I had my bearings. I tried to stay tethered, but I feel like a less adorable version of this toddler chasing its dog’s leash.
Apparently, I am not alone.
According to this Parents.com article, “A 2020 survey conducted by the American Psychological Association revealed that almost 50 percent of parents with kids under 18 were more stressed than before the pandemic began. In addition, 31 percent said they were struggling with mental health concerns. A separate study found that about 28 percent of mothers and 13 percent of fathers were experiencing pandemic-induced burnout.”
Even before the pandemic, The New York Times published an article explaining why, The Exhaustion Is Real (NY Times gift link, so you should be able to read). Among a list of reasons for exhaustion, including interrupted sleep, the article also said, “part of the issue might be that during the day, parents feel more ‘time pressure’ — which she describes as ‘not enough time, too much going on.’ Time pressure means that even though some parents are technically getting adequate sleep at night, they still feel exhausted. ‘Kids bring an intensity of demands that makes people feel time poor,’ she said, and she has described the time pressure that mothers, in particular, feel as ‘a chronic stress that slowly deteriorates their health.’”
(Great.)
Sometimes I am looking for solutions, but I think this morning I am okay just knowing I am not alone. That my exhaustion is normal, if not ideal. To wriggle out some space for self-compassion for us in this little corner of the internet.
A Small Thing
This brilliant piece of satire: AN OPEN LETTER TO BLUEY’S PARENTS: PLEASE STOP. IYKYK.
A Big(ger) Thing
No matter where you live, please take action to support public education. If you are a resident in HISD, please take a moment to sign this petition against the proposed TEA takeover of the district.
Yessssssssss to all of this. Time pressure is such a relatable concept. And I agree that the news cycle doesn't help at all. I've been trying to take a daily nap, and though it sounds like just another box to check off, it has definitely helped me slow down. Rage on, Mama!
I feel this - my kids are older, and our time during the pandemic was fun - I got to hang with them as young almost adults which deepened our relationships. While I was exhausted during those earlier years of parenthood I was able to right the ship, so to speak, as they got older. It seems as though today's parents don't have that luxury. Covid fatigue and general the-world-is-coming-to-an-end numbness is real, and you're stuck in the beating black heart of it all. So yes, feel all the self-compassion you can muster! This shit is hard. Every smile is a victory.