How the Grinch Tried to Steal Our Second Amendment Rights
Every Who down in Whoville liked firearms a lot. But the Grinch, who thought kids’ lives mattered, did not.
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Untethered Rants, Unmeetable Demands, and Unmitigated Rage
How the Grinch Tried to Steal Our Second Amendment Rights
by Alexis and Saba
Every Who down in Whoville liked firearms a lot
But the Grinch, who thought kids’ lives mattered, did not.
The Grinch hated guns! The whole killing reason!
Now, please don’t ask why. He’d drone on about gun control, gun violence, and how it kills 40,000 Americans each annual season (which is a real fucking bummer).
It could be he’d never blown a deer out of sight,
Felt selling kids JR-15s isn’t right,
But I think that the most likely reason of all
Was his patriotism was just too damn small.
Whatever the reason for his liberal views,
He often sat retweeting mass shooting news,
Staring down from his house at the gun show in town
As they touted their guns like a king wears his crown.
Then he whimpered, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
“I must find some way to keep more guns from coming!”
For the number of mass shootings kept breaking records (now up to 621).
It was not simply a matter of NPR opinion.
It was the guns. Oh the guns! Oh the guns!
Guns! Guns! Guns!
That’s the one thing he hated. The guns!
Guns! Guns! Guns!
“All I need is a lawmaker,” but none were around
Because the gun lobby made sure none could be found.
They offered thoughts and prayers — what would that do?
He still worried about a gunman who might kill every Who.
And the Whos, young and old, blame a lone wolf mission.
And abortion! And vaccines! And lecturing women!
The left-wing curriculum and
WOMEN! WOMEN! WOMEN!
They labeled the Grinch a green snowflake villain!
Did that stop the old Grinch? No! The Grinch simply said,
“If I can’t change their minds, I’ll steal the guns instead!”
Then he hopped on his bike, the woke little fuck
And rode down to town, hoping for luck.
All the windows were dark, he thought they were asleep,
As he crept into houses not making a peep.
He rounded up each assault weapon and bullet.
At church, he found some hiding behind the pulpit.
The Grinch grabbed the rifle from a shelf up above
And behind him he felt an AR-15 shove.
He turned around fast, it was Cindy-Lou Who
Who learned to hold a gun before she was two.
She shot him clean dead from a very close range
Then went back to bed not thinking it strange.
Stand your ground laws are there for a reason
To kill every Grinch, guilty of treason.
He hadn’t stopped guns from coming! They came!
With our well-armed militia, they came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his feet ice cold from his death,
Couldn’t decry gun violence sans breath.
And what happened then? Well…in Whoville they say,
Their hearts grew defending their gun rights that day!
The next morning, the corpse a mob did retrieve,
And toted him to NRA’s Christmas Eve.
Every Who down in Whoville knew Cindy was right
And cheered for the blessing of roast Grinch that night.
Eating him was the best part of the feast.
And Cindy-Lou, she herself! She carved the roast beast!
(Originally published in Greener Pastures)
An Authentic Note from the Authors
We’re genuinely grateful for every single one of you that subscribes, reads, likes, and comments on our posts. Navigating life with humor is essential to us, and we’re glad to have you along for the often bumpy ride.
Merry everything. We’ll see you again in 2025.
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