America’s Birth Plan
A happy belated birthday satire to our 250-year-old nation.
Patient’s Full Name and Pronouns: Second Continental Congress (he/him/his)
Due Date: July 4, 1776
After 169 years of gestation, we are so excited to meet our new nation. We see the birth of this country as sacred work, sanctioned by God. Men have been birthing nations for thousands of years, and we are proud to be another spot in the beautiful history of wresting land from both native and sovereign peoples to build a government by the people and for the (white, wealthy, landowning) people.
They say the last trimester is the hardest, and we have been dying to birth our democracy since the false labors of Lexington and Concord.
Birth and support team: Polyamorous relationship with 13 partners, including The New England Colonies, The Middle Colonies, and The Southern Colonies. We have invited a robust cohort, including the Continental Army, France, and Spain, to join us in this birthing endeavor and also included well-armed state militias to help advocate for our needs. Support from them is essential to our birth plan, and we would not be here without their cleansing campaigns to massage the borders wider and prevent extraneous tearing.
Interventions: We would like to use any and all weaponry available to us. We are particularly fond of rifles, muskets, and a sturdy bayonet to help dilation. As labor progresses, we would like the use of mortars, howitzers, and canons. We do realize inductions are sometimes necessary, and we are open to forcing ambivalent colonists and slaves to fight to the death, as freedom is paramount.
Medications, Allergies, and Other Conditions: We require homemade cherry brandy, hot toddies, and rum as needed to help numb and celebrate throughout the birthing process. Please note, we are highly allergic to monarchs, high tea, and taxes (especially the Sugar Act, Stamp Act, and Intolerable Acts). Even inhaling particles of tea from the East India Company triggers anaphylactic shock. Other conditions include bad teeth and slave ownership.
Labor & Delivery Preferences: Ideally under the cover of darkness, preferably beneath the “Liberty Tree.” We would like to labor to the dulcet tones of patriotic anthems. Please play Yankee Doodle when we begin to push.
We are aiming for a natural birth with free speech, free press, and freedom of assembly. When we feel our first contractions of battle, we would like to breathe through the agonies of war, be present in pestilence, and stoic as we push out a nation between our collective legs. Please save the revolutionary afterbirth, as we would like to encapsulate it and use it in smoothies to help aid recovery.
We see birth as a holistic experience, and embrace a broad swath of support and carnage, across all 26 British colonies. We want the opportunity to labor in different positions and not be confined to the 13 colonies.
Postpartum Preferences: After birth, we request immediate skin to skin contact between General George Washington and General Charles O’Hara’s sword. Research shows the golden hour is pivotal in nation/Founder bonding. Please do not introduce any socialist formula. We want our new republic to immediately suckle at the teet of capitalism.
We insist on immediate vaccination against smallpox, but reject Vitamin K injections. Gonorrhea is an essential part of a soldier’s life and builds character. Regarding postpartum care for our southern regions, we ask for generous perineal attention to ensure our slave-owning brethren can best continue working to build our wealth.
No matter what happens, the most important thing is a healthy nation, healthy Founders. We can always rewrite the story.
Excellent job. Love this and thank you 😊